Incredipete’s Expert Child-Rearing Techniques

Did you know that you can fly from Kansas City to Philadelphia non-stop for $266? You can. It’s one of those things you have to be aware of when there’s a lot of distance between you. The lovely Jenna has offered to give me the “tour of Philly.” I guess it’s so I can calm my nerves before she donates her kidney to me in July. What a giver she is. Although it might be a good idea to see if we have the same blood type before we start exchanging organs…

No extra charge… pink shirt picture:


Anyhoo… my canine sidekicks have decided that freedom is better than captivity, even though I’ve long tried to teach them that “Work is freedom.” They aren’t buying it. They have now tasted freedom, and they liked it. My neighbor’s fence is in bad shape, and my dogs are able to push the slats out of the way and make a run for it. Thankfully my astute neighbors lured them back to my prison camp where I force them to eat treats and peanut butter all day.

I do not want to get into the cycle of having them escape and having my neighbors chasing them around while I’m at work. I’d hate to have to lock them up, but I will if it’s for their own good.

And that brings me to today’s subject… child rearing.

Now that I have raised two pups, I feel that I am an authority on the subject. Really, how different can it be from raising kids? They make too much noise, you whack’em upside the head. They get into something they shouldn’t, you whack’em with a shoe. They run away, you drag them back to the house by the scruff of their neck. If they sit quietly, they get a treat.

Do I pretty much have it?

There are those that say spanking is child abuse. I prefer to think of it as the “board of education meeting the seat of knowledge.” There are even some very smart people who claim you can reason with a whiny 4 year old. I beg to differ, but I’m open to any option that actually works. Somehow I’m pretty sure that the only portion of the brain that a 4 year old has really developed is the pain subsystem. “Oh… every time I kick and scream, I feel this strange pain on my buttocks…. I’d better stop.”

I say this, because when I was a child, the threat of “time out” did not intimidate me. I was quite content sitting on a chair thinking up new mischief. However, the threat of physical pain always made me think twice. My parents always used the double whammy… my mom would put me in the corner, and make me stay there until my dad got home. That was bad news, because when my dad would find me in the corner, he always seemed to side with my mom. That meant physical pain was soon to be had. My mom didn’t care how early in the day it was… if I was bad at 8 in the morning, it meant a long, long trip to the corner.

All that to say, just like in international relations… you try to reason with these idiotic people, for example the Iraqis, Saudis and Europeans… eventually you just have to go whoop their ass. Reason and diplomacy will only take you so far. Tactical nuke works every time.


  27 comments for “Incredipete’s Expert Child-Rearing Techniques

  1. May 17, 2005 at 11:17 am

    *narrows eyes*

    Which Europeans in particular?

  2. May 17, 2005 at 11:27 am

    Particularly the French.

  3. May 17, 2005 at 11:40 am

    *sniffle* that was just so … so … touching …

  4. Rik
    May 17, 2005 at 12:45 pm

    Are you sure we’re not related??

  5. May 17, 2005 at 1:04 pm

    HEY! I thought I was getting dancing pictures. xoxoxo

  6. May 17, 2005 at 1:11 pm

    That Jenna is one lucky gal!! although, I could argue that the shirt is, in fact, mauve, not pink … that’s pronounced “m-oh-v” for you bastardised speakers of the language.

  7. May 17, 2005 at 1:32 pm

    Guys in pink shirts are SO. HOT.

    “Time outs” make me gag. They don’t work. All it does is let a kid sit and plot new ways to fuck up. I worked in childcare for ten years. I was a child. I know how the evil minds of children work. Like the Ramones said, “beat on the brat with a baseball bat.”

  8. Bobby
    May 17, 2005 at 2:25 pm

    So what do you do about the ones that aren’t scared of time out or physical pain? That was me as a child. My Father tried everything from “The Belt” to making me hold dictionary’s parallel from the ground with arms stretched out. The last thing he tried was Vocabulary. I shit you not, he made me do vocabulary lessons on the computer every time I acted up. By sixth grade I had the vocabulary of a Jr. in college. I truly think all that did was give me more words to talk back with.

  9. May 17, 2005 at 2:39 pm

    My time outs worked because the pain was intense if I strayed.

    Bobby-You daddy wasn’t putting his all into the beatings. If he whipped your ass with a weeping willow branch you would know the taste of ass pain.

    Nice shirt Feyg!

  10. May 17, 2005 at 2:56 pm

    Timeouts don’t always work and that’s when you need to pull out the threat of a whoopin. I know there is a knee jerk reaction to the anti-spanking trend that is prevalent these days (mostly because most of us were spanked to the point of what would certainly be considered abuse these days). However, I will tell you that time-outs and talking-to’s have cut it about 90-95% of the time with my son, but we HAVE been forced to bring out the heavy artillery on occasion (spanking/ smack on the cheek). The key is that you really shouldn’t START OFF with a beating/ spanking and escalate from there. If physical forms of punishment are your ground floor, that’s not a good place to start off.

    And Jenna… Looking at that picture…. you are really a lucky gal… Truly. Since you are a Philly resident, you know you have to throw a few steaks in him, take him out to South Street and bring him to the Ballpark to see the Phillies. Then, you can just dump him off in Camden to see about his survival skills. (Hint… Red lights are optional)

  11. May 17, 2005 at 3:10 pm

    “Work is Freedom” What, are you running a little doggy Aushwitz?

    gime me the “tour of Philly”

    Ummm, you do know that’s a euphimisum for an enema? Right? You knew that?

  12. May 17, 2005 at 3:35 pm

    Andy, how do you come up with these obscure tidbits? I’m sure Jenna will give me an interesting tour, and I doubt it will include an enema. Since I can’t detect sarcasm in print, I’ll assume that all of you mean it when you say “Jenna, you’re a lucky gal.” I thought I was the lucky one.

  13. May 17, 2005 at 3:35 pm

    And yes, it is doggy aushwitz.

  14. May 17, 2005 at 3:47 pm

    Incredipete… Sorry if that came across a little caustic. It was a poorly worded shot at your fabulous pink shirt.

  15. May 17, 2005 at 3:59 pm

    The shirt looks great on you Incredipetey; can’t wait to see how the same shirt looks on Jeanna all wrinkled up and with unidentifiable stains on it.

    Oh hell, did I say that out loud?

    I usually use the threat/spank combo only I use a wooden spoon. They’re cheap, easy to wield and I can carry one in my purse to shake at them from a distance. I find that a good beating every 6 weeks or so is sufficient. That and electro-shock therapy.

  16. May 17, 2005 at 4:32 pm

    Yeah man. People have taken the fear out of being a child. And the fear factor of childhood is very important in their adult lives. Otherwise they turn into snot-nosed whiney self obessed people who think the world is theirs…. and then they get their ass-kicked in a bar somewhere and can’t imagine why. So they sue.

  17. May 17, 2005 at 5:10 pm

    You all know what W.C. Fields has on his tombstone, right? “All things considered, I’d rather be here than in Philly.”

  18. May 17, 2005 at 5:18 pm

    My tombstone is going to read; “if this is a joke, I don’t get it”

  19. May 17, 2005 at 5:19 pm

    Mine will read “Incredipedro: The Other White Incredipete”

  20. Rik
    May 17, 2005 at 6:43 pm

    Mine will say: I did it her way 🙁

  21. May 17, 2005 at 10:35 pm

    LMAO. Nice one, Rik!

  22. HRT
    May 17, 2005 at 11:41 pm

    I too take the diplomacy angle when dealing with children…

    Our policy…we don’t negotiate with terrorists… we crush them until their feeble will, melts like ice cream under the heat of summer.

    But seriously you have to treat different kids differently, my son, I just raise my voice at him and he goes into hysterics, my daughter on the other hand… with her paint tolerance, well I think she’s going to have a mighty fine career in the UFC.

  23. May 18, 2005 at 7:54 am

    Hey, Incredipete, I’m just telling you what most people on the internet understand “Tour of Philly” to mean…just so you don’t freak out. I’m only trying to help.

    Give me a call if she offers “To Paint The Town”. You may want to bring a camera.

  24. May 18, 2005 at 9:43 am

    Wait. Where do you learn all these dirty sayings?? I have like NO clue what you are talking about…

  25. May 18, 2005 at 10:11 am

    Jenna, don’t play all innocent with us.

    Why, you practically invented the euphimism “Basting the Holiday Goose”

    come on now.

  26. May 18, 2005 at 11:56 am

    I thought that was “stuffing the turkey”? Oops, sorry. That was one of your sayings, Andy.

  27. May 18, 2005 at 12:24 pm

    Ask Incredipete! I’m like totally innocent. The nuns in town pray everyday to be more Jenna-like.

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