For a long time, I’ve been compiling a list of the “Worst Movies Ever Produced.” I’d like to share with you a small sampling from that list, along with a short explanation.
10. Hope Floats – Ok, this one’s kind of obvious… it was written for menopausal women; a group I am most gratefully not a member.
9. 187 – This early Samuel L. Jackson movie is a classic “Teacher tries to make a difference, teacher goes nuts and starts killing students, teacher goes even more nuts and kills himself” stories. Very lame. The last line in the movie was one of the kids referring to Sam committing suicide: “Dude, he smoked himself… he smoked himself!” I’m not making this up.
8. Kill Bill – What this movie had in terms of gruesome violence, was cancelled out by the incredibly weird and annoying direction by Quentin Terantino. It was a bit like watching a Spike LeeÂ® movie, only not quite as stupid.
7. Malcom X – Speaking of Spike LeeÂ®, this movie I’m quite sure was trying to make a point. The real Malcom X was a brilliant man. The movie however did little to further the cause of civil rights because it was so poorly directed it made me want to go out and kill a black man… Spike LeeÂ® to be exact.
6. Minority Report – I can hardly even talk about the experience of watching this movie. Add one part Tom Cruise, one part Steven Spielberg, one part retardation, and one part special effects, and you get a pretty good idea. The part that made me give up on the movie was not the “Pre-crime” idea. That was actually pretty neat. But could we not come up with anything better than 3 naked kids in a hot tub, who randomly produce a wooden golf ball with the details of a crime burned onto it? Come on Spielberg… get a grip.
5. The Blair Witch Project – This really can’t be counted as a movie, but since it was showed at AMC and Cinemark, it gets to be on my list. First of all, the idea is dumb. Second, you never actually saw anything except trees and nostrils. Third, it was filmed in a nauseating fashion.
4. Fight Club – Sorry Brad Pitt fans… this movie sucked. Ok, it was a clever twist. Wait, no it wasn’t… It was just stupid. Having a fight club is a stupid idea, but it’s even stupider to have a fight club with yourself. It’s not clever or thought provoking. It’s just stupid.
3. Mission to Mars – What happens when you get an all star cast, a huge special effects budget, a great idea, and then run out of money halfway through? Mission to Mars. Yup, this movie has about an hour of fantastic acting, story, directing, and special effects, followed by 20 minutes of the most spacktarded, poorly acted, did I mention spacktarded cinematic displays ever thrust upon unsuspecting moviegoers.
2. Titanic – Yup. This movie sucked, too. Not because of the story. Because Leo is a crap-actor. Yes… just being pretty does not make you talented. Kate Winslet tried to mask her lack of talent by baring her boobs, but it didn’t save the movie. All you suckers that went to see it 37 times and cried every time, you need to go see a real love story, like “Starship Troopers.” Now that’s a movie!
1. The Thin Red Line – You would have to search far and wide to find anything even in the same realm as this movie. It promised to be the answer to “Saving Private Ryan.” Another amazing world war II movie. Well… let’s just say, if Saving Private Ryan had been filmed without sound, it would have been 5000 times better than the Thin Red Line. TRL was more like a nature film than a movie. There were long, close-up shots of lizards, people blowing up out of foxholes in slow motion, to the sound of classical music, and pretty much no dialogue at all. It included every major male Hollywood star from the 90’s, and it didn’t help. By the end of the 3 hours, everyone had vacated the theater, except for me and 3 other people. That’s never a good sign. The last scene is a shot of the beach, with what looks like a shot of a rock with a twig sticking out of it. As it turns out, the rock with the twig was actually the lizard from earlier in the movie, lying dead on the beach. Hmm. Deep.
And for something entirely more positive, I would like to quickly list off the best movies of all time, categorized for your convenience.
1. It’s a Mad Mad Mad Mad World (Spencer Tracy, Milton Berle, Sid Caesar, Buddy Hackett, Ethel Merman, Mickey Rooney, Phil Silvers, Terry Thomas, Jonathon Winters, Edie Adams, Dorothy Provine, Jim Backus, Ben Blue, Et. Al.)
2. Liar Liar (Jim Carrey, Maura Tierney)
3. A Night at the Opera (Marx Brothers)
4. Mr. Deeds (Adam Sandler)
5. Dr. Strangelove (Incredipeter Sellers, George C. Scott)
1. Death Wish (Charles Bronson)
2. Die Hard (Bruce Willis)
3. Rambo: First Blood (Sylvester Stallone)
4. Commando (Arnold Schwarzenegger)
5. Dirty Harry (Clint Eastwood)
1. Tombstone (Kurt Russell, Val Kilmer)
2. El Dorado (John Wayne, Robert Mitchum)
3. Rooster Cogburn(John Wayne, Katherine Hepburn)
4. A Fistful of Dollars (Clint Eastwood)
5. Unforgiven (Clint Eastwood)
1. Alien (Sigourney Weaver)
2. Independance Day (Will Smith)
3. Blade (Wesley Snipes)
4. The Matrix (Keanu Reaves, Laurence Fishburne)
5. Stigmata (Patricia Arquette)
1. Casablanca (Humphrey Bogart, Lauren Becall)
2. A Walk to Remember (Mandy Moore)
3. Never Been Kissed (Drew Barrymore)
4. The Quiet Man (John Wayne, Maureen O’Hara)
5. My Best Friends’ Wedding (Julia Roberts, Cameron Diaz)
1. The Usual Suspects (Kevin Spacey)
2. Arlington Road (Jeff Bridges, Tim Robbins, Joan Cusack)
3. Pay It Forward (Kevin Spacey, Helen Hunt, Haley Joel Osment)
4. Saving Private Ryan (Tom Hanks, Matt Damon)
5. Good Will Hunting (Matt Damon, Robin Williams)
1. Scream (Drew Barrymore)
2. The Ring (Naomi Watts, Martin Henderson)
3. Silence of the Lambs (Anthony Hopkins, Jodie Foster)
4. The Hitcher (Rutger Hauer)
5. Psycho (Anthony Perkins, Janet Leigh)