Most of my life I’ve been confident at work.
And all the while, I’d go home from my day of being an alpha male and wouldn’t know how to even talk to a girl.
Something has changed. I’ve lost a lot of my confidence at work. I’m worried about screwing up instead of worrying about doing things right. I’m not confident in my interactions with subordinates and coworkers. I spend time wondering if maybe people are out to get me. Which isn’t even rational – or relevant. I feel spread too thin and like I’m only being mediocre at everything I do. And then at home, I’ve never been more confident. I have a super hot wife who loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me. Why WOULDN’T I be?
The confidence I feel with Nicole has started to carry over into my other friendships. Unfortunately in a lot of cases, that’s meant cutting ties with people that were taking advantage of my lack of confidence.** But in a few, select cases, my relationships have improved greatly because of my ability to be direct and communicate my needs and boundaries. And in still over cases, I know I have to find ways to communicate and have better boundaries but I haven’t figured it out yet. But ultimately, in my personal life, I am feeling my groove pretty well. But that personal confidence hasn’t spilled over to work.
Sometimes I take home my hard day and let my work insecurity slop over. I hate that, because it’s unattractive. No woman wants her man being mopey and insecure. I’m fortunate enough to have a wife that understands me, but that doesn’t mean it’s ideal. And let’s be real, being attractive to her is important to me.
I have to find a way to separate work and home better. I don’t know if that means leaving my phone in the car and just letting it all go once I leave work. Maybe it’s just praying and listening to uplifting music on the drive home. Maybe it’s spending the drive home thinking about just how lucky I am to get to go home to Nicole and Amber. And I have to get my swagger back at work. I’ve tried doing it by just working longer hours, and that doesn’t help. I just spend 11 or 12 hours being anxious instead of 8. I think my old swagger was built around the wrong things… I felt like I had a lot of experience, education and credentials. I thought, hey, how many people could do what I do?
Then as I go forward in my career I realize that any number of people that I know personally could do what I do. The confidence has to come from inside. I need to let my personal confidence slop over into my work life rather than the other way around. It’s complicated.
I never want to be cocky. And I never want to be a know-it-all. I’m never gonna be smart enough or experienced enough to stop listening to other people. All I can do is do my best and accept that it won’t always be good enough.
To quote Stuart Smalley – I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darnit, people like me!
**Footnote: I think Nicole has taken more than her fair share of crap from the people I’ve started cutting off. She is not “controlling me” or “manipulating me” or “using me.” You’re an idiot if that’s what you think. She helped to open my eyes to what it’s like to NOT being manipulated or used. So in that sense, yes, it’s her fault I cut you off. But the decisions have all been mine. I decided not to let you walk all over me anymore. I decided it was time to put in boundaries to protect my family. I decided that you don’t get to use me anymore, and honestly, it’s pretty stupid of you to get mad at her for that. Sorry she wrecked your gravy train by being an independent, self-sufficient woman that loves me as a person and not as a walking checkbook.