2008 Christmas Letter

It was a gala day when we ushered in 2008 by banging pots and pans in the front yard at Jenna’s folks house in Pennsylvania. And as Groucho said so eloquently, “A gal a day ought to be enough for anyone!”. Jenna decided that rather than fight downtown, we would just spend the evening with her family. I must say, it was a happy decision. I hate navigating downtown Philly.

Of course, that was only the first 5 minutes of 2008, and if I write an entire paragraph per 5 minutes, this post is going to be WAY too long. By which I mean it will be even LONGER than my typical Christmas letter, which tend to be verbose anyhow. And now I’ve spent and entire paragraph talking about how I don’t want to be too verbose. Go figure.

In January, I began teaching for the first time ever. I was approached by the faculty at UMKC and asked to teach BMA 540 – Service Operations Management. It’s an MBA elective course, so I was hoping only a couple people would sign up. However, as luck would have it, there was a waiting list to attend. After the first lecture, I came to a very important conclusion – I am incredibly dull and boring. Since my future as an adjunct lies partly on student evaluations, I felt that I needed to ramp up or risk being run out of town. After a few weeks, I hit my stride.

In February, I angered all of the liberal wussies and other social wienies by suggesting that “fairness” is a silly concept. My point was that if you try hard, even if things AREN’T fair, you will ultimately be better off than someone who is a lazy lout. This was demonstrated by the students in my course who had the misfortune of taking my first exam, which was roughly the same difficulty as performing a lunar landing. Those who studied hard and attended class were rewarded with my gracious curve, and those who were lazy bums were left to ponder what they would do if they flunked an elective.

In March, I shocked the world by endorsing Hillary Clinton. Granted, this was done out of a sense of morbid curiosity, not out of actual support, but the affect was the same. People freaked. Then, shortly thereafter, I realized I hadn’t yet made any of the travel arrangements for my wedding. I freaked.

In April, my fair weather team, KU, won the championship. This was fortunate since our other two Kansas City teams are the Royals and the Chiefs. We also decided that Jenna’s pimp car was just too unsafe for her in the winter, so we purchased her a brand spanking new Dodge Caliber. I was also interviewed for the Kansas City Star, which was undoubtedly my fifteen minutes.

May was a very special month. I turned 30, officially putting a fork in my lifelong dream to get married in my twenties. I spent much of May spraying weed killer on my neighbors’ yards, because they decided to grow crops of dandelions instead of grass. I also revamped IHS Web Solutions and jacked up my prices, much to the dismay of my many blogging friend customers, all of whom emailed me asking for a discount.

The only important thing that happened in June was the Supreme Pizza Court striking down the D.C. handgun ban, ruling that the 2nd Amendment was an individual right (duh) not just a militia right (duh). This was obvious to those of us who TOOK 8th grade history and knew that the founding fathers wanted people to be armed so they could overthrow the government should it ever get out of control. This would be difficult if only the government had any guns.

July marked my 500th post, which was celebrated by 5 whole comments from readers. You all suck. And of course, the other thing that happened in July was that Chuck Schumer personally torpedoed the hanging-on-by-a-thread financial industry, sending the economy spiraling into a Jimmy Carteresque tailspin. Fortunately, the government (against the public’s will) passed a ginormous bailout which greedy corporations promptly spent on hookers and coke, and on writing themselves ginormous bonuses.

In August, McCain announced that Sarah Palin would be his running mate, and would also be the target of massive attacks by every Democrat and every media outlet in the world. While being mercilessly attacked for everything from not knowing the ins and outs of econometrics and how to stabilize the Middle East, she still reminded true conservatives that Ronald Reagan lives on. We may have to endure a few terms of socialists to remind ourselves what that means, but at least it’s still out there somewhere.

In September, much to the amazement of my ex girlfriends, I got married. The wedding was in Bar Harbor, Maine. Our families were in attendance along with Rachel and Mick. Rachel officiated the wedding, and Mick was our designated videographer/entertainment. When Jenna and I returned from Bar Harbor, we finally kicked her brother out of our basement and reclaimed the “man room.” Contrary to what NoGoodDaddy will say, the “man room” is where I watch football and practice my guitar.

Then October arrived, and my doctor informed me that I am fat. He based this opinion on two factors – my blood pressure, and a stupid chart that was clearly created by Ethiopian doctors. It says that I’m 30 pounds overweight. Now, I’m not saying I couldn’t afford to lose a few pounds – but I mean 5, not 30!

Finally in November, the second coming of Jesus happened. People were weeping in the streets over the election of Obama. Chris Matthews actually passed out and peed his pants with delight. During his victory speech, he immediately began lowering expectations, by promising a lot of bad times and trauma over the course of his first term. This came as no surprise to those of us who DON’T watch MSNBC, because we all knew that his campaign promises were silly and impossible. I still shudder when I think about the woman who was at his victory speech and was interviewed. She said “I’m just so happy that Obama is president. Now I won’t have to worry about paying my mortgage or for gas anymore.” That pretty much sums it up.

In December, the economy continued to tank thanks to the clueless bungling of the pulsating blob of morons in Washington. Despite reason and contrary to the will of the voting public, congress continued to pump money into large corporations (while letting small business die) so that executives could continue purchasing private islands and personal slaves. All I want for Christmas is a government bailout!